Many hip parents have confessed when they see their young daughter dressed in little wisps of clothing, gyrating in front of the TV while singing along with the Britney Spears song If U Seek Amy, it gives them pause. I often hear comments such as, "I don't want to be a prude, but it's really unnerving to see her be so sexual."
I sincerely appreciate how difficult it is to watch your child try on their sexuality - especially when it's so in-your-face.
Yet, it's probably the same way your parents fretted when you listened to Madonna, Led Zeppelin, Elvis or whatever music or movie you were into at the time.
Kids figuring out their sexuality is an age-old parent/teenager dilemma.
It certainly doesn't help that at least once a year, headlines blare about the latest thing that will compromise your daughter's sexual morality. (Please note: there's rarely anything in the news about your son's sexual morality. Is it just me, or is there something fundamentally wrong here?)
Just recently, Sharlene Azam got a lot of press with her book, Oral Sex is the New Goodnight Kiss (thenewgoodnightkiss.com). She writes about an "alarming" trend in middle class Canadian families, where "teenage girls are trading sex for ... just about anything."
The problem is Azam's findings are not based on any research or scientific data. Rather, they're based on her investigative journalist skills, as well as what she captured in her documentary film of the same name.
How many times have I come across a story or book that can have such a profound impact, which is based on nothing but potenitally biased observation? Unfortunately, the average fearful parent gobbles up this type of story, thereby perpetuating harmful and unfounded dogmas.
The result becomes another generation of parents who are unnecessarily paranoid about their children's sexual conduct. And, thus, yet another generation of young women carry a ton of shame about their sexuality ... for the rest of their lives.
Then again, I'm a bit zealous about women's sexual rights.
To get a balanced perspective, I spoke with sexologist Brian Parker, PhD, who has been teaching sex education in high schools and universities for many years. I asked him if kids are more sexual and/or more sexually active than they were 10 years ago.
He replied with an emphatic no, adding: "Studies show today's teenagers are no more sexually active than teenagers of the last few decades. The average age of first intercourse is 16."
Parents would undoubtedly argue that we are living in a hyper-sexualized society. That kids have more access to sexual information than any generation before them. (By the way, every generation of parent has probably said something similar.)
Parker agrees, and cautions parents about two things. The first is to be age appropriate. "If a seven-year-old is provocatively dancing to Britney Spears, they probably don't understand what they're doing. If it's an eleven-year-old, they probably do. It's important to ask your child, ‘Why are you doing that?'"
Parker adds a second gem: "During your ongoing conversation about sex, make sure your kids understand what your morals and values are. Don't assume they will mirror what you want or believe. And don't just say ‘That's inappropriate' - tell your kids why."
Sex education starts at age 0 and goes until your kids are out of your house. You must cram the maximum amount of information into their heads before they turn 13, when their friends become their reference point.
Appreciate that as much as you would like to protect your teenager from getting a sexually transmitted infection, becoming pregnant or earning themselves a bad reputation, they will most likely have sex with or without your knowledge.
Take heart - research proves a comprehensive sex education will keep them safe and help them to make the best choices for themselves, their bodies and sexual self-esteem.
In the end, I don't know why I bother battling against this prehistoric belief system. It's an emotional, not a logical, issue. The "teenage girls trade sex for ... just about anything" type of headlines will forever fuel parental insecurities.
I can't help but wonder, though, what would happen if we trusted our youth and guided rather than interfered with their normal sexual development.
-Trina Read is a motivational speaker and writer with a doctorate of human sexuality.
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